I looked around this morning and realized something: I couldn’t recognize anything. Nothing seemed familiar.
A song came on and it reminded me of how I used to feel and how I still feel on some days. It reminded me how I felt back then and how I wanted to feel back then. It was that moment when I scanned my surroundings and my life only to discover that all of what I once knew had become lost in time, at least in the form that it once existed in. Sure there are still remnants of it that remain and if I look hard enough, I can see the same core even though the outside has changed so much. A lot of the people I struggle to recognize. Even the ones that were always close. They feel so foreign to me now. I’ve learned that for many of them, the dynamics in our relationships have shifted over the years and things are different now. They seemingly won’t ever be the same. I suppose that’s because we aren’t the same.
Life seems to be making some very strong points lately, showing me what is working and what isn’t. What is left and what is gone. What is the same and what has changed. Life is reminding me that I need to roll with it’s ever-changing state. That I need to embrace it. I know it’s true. It’s easier to do now than it used to be but it can still be difficult. In fact it is difficult. I try not be scared of the future or afraid of my past but stepping forward into the great unknown requires a certain amount of faith.
It’s so hard to know sometimes if you’re making the right decision. I guess that’s why I’ve learned to trust my feelings. The downside to that is sometimes they are so all over the place it’s hard to get a clear reading. Then I’m left to figure it out some other way.
I have to carve out a new chapter in my life because whether I want to or not, it’s happening. The only question is am I going to write what I want to happen next because I embraced it or am I going to write what did happen because I was resistant to change. Sooner or later I’m going to have to take a chance on something. Even the safety net gets worn down over time until eventually one day, it simply breaks. I’ve realized lately a lot of my lifelong ideals and beliefs are not necessarily true and that they don’t serve me in a positive way. Perhaps it is more than the change in my life I need to embrace but also a change within myself.