What am I doing…
Things have been quiet lately. Can’t tell if it’s the calm before the storm, the calm after the storm or if the storm is actually happening right now and I’m just entirely oblivious to it. I’ve been feeling something though lately but not sure what it is exactly. Part of me wants to say I’ve been feeling peaceful and although perhaps that’s been my intention, I can’t help but wonder if it’s mostly denial, where I’m not choosing to consciously acknowledge what’s really going on around me. There’s a balance between the two in terms of finding some shred of happiness. You shouldn’t focus on the negative but to pretend like it isn’t there isn’t going to help much either. Whatever I’m feeling, it’s pretty clear it carries some weight. Although I can’t seem to identify it fully or am really even aware of what exactly it is, I can feel the burden of this feeling inside me. I can feel it’s intensity in my chest, a heaviness in my heart and my mind races without rest. I feel it from the time I wake to the time I sleep. How strange is it to feel lonely yet not want to see anyone? To feel unloved even though there is love around you? It’s as if my feelings are bigger than anything daily life can bring me. Yes there are many precious little moments throughout each day but on a larger scale I feel as if my heart is broken and I am alone wandering down a never-ending road illuminated only by a never-ending overcast, grey sky which offers no hope but the assurance of all things dull and joyless.
What do I want? I ask myself this question constantly but the answer escapes me. I feel everything I do leaves me unsatisfied. I think back to a time when more companionship existed than it does now and I understand how and why things have changed but it doesn’t make me feel any less nostalgic. Now as the people I used to be close with go out and live their lives so must I. I’m conflicted though because I don’t know what to do. Where now do I invest since these old friendships have come to pass? Career? Romance? Nothing seems appealing. The only concept I can identify with is the sounds and melodies of music but even that is sometimes too much to handle.
Everyday is such an emotional blur it feels as if I’ve lost all track of time. I want to push the world away and hide alone within the safety of myself but I know that to do so leaves so much room for abuse. I can see the possibilities around me and a small glimmer of hope for promise of something better. Then the thought returns to me. What am I hoping for? Then as I go to ponder that questions I realize that I don’t know. I’m reminded that I don’t know anything. I just float through the days searching for some kind of answer but as always, it cannot be found.
What am I doing these days? Something in between floating and sinking in a pool of reckless and longing emotion.