on
March 30, 2018

My dreams lately have been a hurricane of bizarre, scrambled formations of thought, feeling and concepts that my mind and soul desperately seem to be trying to piece-together and reconcile. The result is thought and feeling from the distant past, merging with my current reality while borrowing elements of a future my mind has reached from in foresight. Together they form a misshapen idea of actual reality. Despite that however, according to my mind, this seems to be my reality and regardless of whether my reality is real or not (proven through the observation of others), if it feels real to me, then who can say that it is not real?

I struggle to accept the consequences of the choices I’ve made and the choices I did not make. In these days I seek to release myself from my past and the shackles I’ve allowed myself to be bound to for all this time. Breaking away from a way of living that did not serve me while working towards a future that holds promise and joy. Learning to surrender my fear is my greatest challenge along with making peace with my past and the choices I’ve made. Accepting what I’ve been but now consciously choosing to be the sculptor of the future I desire.

Life continues to show me that the endless sea of pain and suffering will always rage on but the ship upon which I sail can be made stronger to withstand the relentless waves that seek to drown me. As the waters rage, I too must battle against myself in a seemingly neverending struggle between the part of me ravaged by sadness and the other part which longs for freedom in the redeeming sunlight of peace and joy. Gazing into my future I wonder how I will look back at my life. It is not regret I fear completely but rather where I have chosen to invest myself and whether such choices will bring reward or crumble like most things before.

My thoughts lately have been noted on the concept of fear and how it has dictated my life since the dawn of tragedy. Since then I’ve always lived fearing the worst and anticipating that which I did not wish to happen, even though I had no control over such things. What could I accomplish if fear did not grip me in the manner in which it has? I’ve lived my life always ready to be at the mercy of the actions of others and the consequences that would follow. Always afraid of how the decisions of those I love would affect me. I’ve come to realize that even though I cannot change the effect the actions of others will have on me, I cannot allow my own life to be ruled by that notion and ultimately it is that fear that has suppressed me for so many years and prevented me from reaching the heights my soul wishes to take flight to.

I feel as though I had lost my sense of self and what I wanted for my life. Now I realize that as hard as it is, I must sever the ties with the things and people who do not align with the path that I must walk. Despite the pain and regret, the sadness and betrayal along with history and time – I cannot allow it to break me. I cannot allow it to suppress me. I cannot allow it to rule me. My imperfections are vast. My mistakes too many to number. My shame, to embedded in my heart to untie. Alas, I must continue to try. I must forgive myself. I must forgive others. I am convinced that if I allow myself to be ruled by love and make that my mantra, wounds will heal, time will forgive and the seeds of hope and joy will take root in a land once desolate, perhaps soon now, to become a flourishing landscape of love.

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