on
September 24, 2018

The hands of the clock seem to pick up speed as the countdown to the end of what has been and the beginning of something new, approaches. The day has almost arrived. I had known it would come but now that it is nearly upon me, it seems as though it had crept silently in the shadows all this time, waiting to surprise. Now I wonder if I should have prepared better.

It’s difficult to prepare for such things. Sometimes there is time to prepare, other times it is spontaneity that propels you forward (or backward). For over a decade I have only known this life and now, I leave it behind along with the part of me that is skin I wish to shed.

When I think back, I can hardly recall those days and to try and think even before that, back to the innocence and misplaced sense of optimism and adventure of my teenage years, it’s as if I’m reaching for a dream within a dream. I can’t even tell if it was ever real to begin with.

I’ve come a long way in these last two years. I’ve transformed as a person inside and out. The past I once craved, I now feel ill at the very thought of it. The older version of myself was such a mess. I never want to revisit that reflection. I feel hopeful for my future now and although I have yet to understand what I truly want, I at least now know what I do not want and also, what I cannot want.

Sometimes it feels as if the life I am currently living is only a mirage or fleeting dream. Sometimes I wonder if I will awake at any moment only to find myself far away from what I thought was my present reality. I’ve begun to regrow in many ways but also, this newfound sense of peace (or something like it), feels very fragile. I am learning not to live in fear but it is ever so close behind me. It waits for my pace to slow. It’s patient and I know that, which is why my pace is quickened. Perhaps one day I will find the courage to turn around and face it head-on. Until then, I try to move swiftly.

This current transition in life is perhaps the most significant because essentially I leave behind the home that I thought I had made for myself, the mindsight I thought I needed to survive and the ideas I had cherished and engraved into the very essence of my being. Now I surrender them all in the pursuit of something better. With the hope of growing closer to that which my heart cries out for. The feeling of peace, joy, love and ultimately a connection with the world around me as opposed to the cold, unfeeling, desolate isolation and emptiness I had immersed myself in for so long.

The pain of letting go is too vast for words but the pain of remaining stagnant and stale as I have been, has finally begun to outweigh it. It breaks my heart to let go of all the things I must. I am so tied and bound by history but I cannot sustain myself unless I sever these ties. It is beyond me and that is simply the way it must be.

So now as I relish these last days and the strange emotion tied to years of history, I can feel it fill every cell in my body. I ponder all that has been and weigh it against my hopes for the future. Perhaps this decade will be different. Perhaps this decade I can achieve the goals I had set with my youthful ambition all those years ago.

Thank you for the peace in surrender, the joy in love and the hope of a new day. Goodbye to the life I had known. I have learned many hard lessons. Please now give me a chance to grow and flourish as I have always desired.

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1 Comment
  1. Reply

    Grandma

    September 24, 2018

    When the pain of hanging on becomes greater than the pain of letting go – we take charge of our own reality and grow. Acknowledge your courage as well as your fears. I am very happy for you and know good things are coming your way.

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