I haven’t really been feeling this last week. I’ve been trying to identify what is possibly disrupting the positive momentum that I had been gathering these past months. While I’m still not ready to quit or revert back into former versions of myself, I do feel sabotaged and frustrated with the way that I’ve been feeling. There’s this growing sense of apathy within me — a gnawing sensation of voices telling me I’m better off as a drunk smoker because the world is a meaningless and hostile wasteland of bullshit.
Depressing right? I hate having to debate these lies against myself.
Nostalgic for the love but it wasn’t all roses
My last relationship has been on my mind a lot lately. It hadn’t for a while there but now, these thoughts feel invasive. I don’t know why I’m nostalgic in longing for someone who clearly hates my fucking guts. Someone I could never make happy. Someone who always saw me as the villain, no matter how hard I tried.
So why do my heart and mind drift back? It only filters out the good times. It plays tricks on me.
It’s been such a struggle in these past seven months. I’ve endured some of the loneliest and most challenging times of my life. Soaked in fear, I had to pretend I was strong. Anxious and confused, I had to live in ignorance to persevere. The self-loathing and regret ate me alive every single night. It broke me.
Despite all that, amongst the deepest pain and suffering, I also found courage and hope. I took control and I dedicated myself to doing better and being a better person. I made better choices. I changed how I saw myself and the world. I set goals and stayed focused. That is how I made it this far. That is how I survived the last seven months.
Lately though, it just seems these tactics aren’t working as effectively as they did before or that I’m running out of steam and momentum to keep going. My optimism and positivity seem to be replaced with pessimism and sadness. I seem to have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to be doing with my life (not that I really ever did, but especially now). I feel older every day and there’s this sense of urgency to do something because I feel like it’s too late and I missed the train to wherever I needed to go.
I need to get this sadness out of my heat. I need to defeat these limiting beliefs that are slowly worming their way into my thoughts. I need to remind myself what it is I’ve really wanted all this time.
There’s still a future for me, right?