It’s been a long and challenging road these past few months. I never could’ve prepared for everything that happened. When I find myself reflecting back on it all, it feels overwhelming.
I’ve been wanting to write more — even if there’s no audience to read it. It’s always been more just a form of self-expression and an outlet for my internal emotions anyways. With the year 2020 almost upon us and in the spirit of resolutions, I would like to set my intention to write more in the coming year (among other things).
This morning’s reflection
In the quiet stillness and optimism of the morning, I find myself feeling hopeful for the future. It is such an elusive state of being to find so I’m grateful to be present with such hope nearby.
I’ve found it has been sobriety and routine that have allowed me to travel this far. These two forces combined have paved the way for productivity, achievement, as well as fostered a more positive self-image for me and the amount of respect I have for myself. As time passes, I learn more and more it is not how others view me, but rather, how I view myself that plays a more direct and dominant role in my thoughts, feelings, and actions.
While traveling the road of the straight-and-narrow is not without its occasional blunders, they don’t tend to keep me down for long these days. I feel as if I have grown resilient. I certainly was incapable of doing this in all of my past lives before this moment.
I can feel myself changing into a new person. I’m not entirely sure what this means exactly yet. While I am grateful for the qualities that I am aligning with that have always been close to my heart, they have come at the cost of loss, mistakes, grief, and the passage of time which I feel always. Age has brought me experience and while I still feel in essence — the same as I always have — life has conditioned my response to it. There is little that surprises me these days.
It’s been more than just life handing me challenges. It’s been my ability to respond to them in a better way. I know I surely would never have reached the mentality I carry these days without action. It has been, not just going to therapy, but also applying what I’ve learned. Getting rid of cigarettes and drinking as part of my normal life paved the way for more regular exercise and healthy eating. Taking a long and in-depth look at my reflection and realizing I knew less about myself than I thought — then looking to improve.
These things have strengthened my heart and mind. Will it be enough though?
A lonely and solitary journey
Losing the one I loved — both I believe — from my own shortcomings and the inevitable and unpredictable fate of life, left me in pieces. The journey I was forced to take in the past four months was one I embarked on with absolute dread and fear but have now befriended these companions to some degree.
Wandering in exile from my relationship — initially — I could only survive. That in itself was the overwhelming challenge of each day. Simply finding a way to endure the day was a monumental victory. The nights are still long. The days are quiet and lonely. I appreciate the silence sometimes but other times, it speaks too loudly.
In many ways, I have become my sole companion during this time. There have been few outside of myself that I can engage with. While I once found myself surrounded by much familiar company and community in my younger days, it seems age has brought its fitting reflection to match.
The circle of friends and acquaintances shrinks with each year it seems. Family, while cherished, was always in short supply. Relationships — a rare phenomenon. While I feel for the first time in many years, hopeful in cultivating new friendships and relationships in the future, my present life is a reflection of my past and most that I knew, are no longer.
The battle of grief and acceptance
Coming to a point of acceptance with all that has happened continues to challenge me in innovative ways. On one hand, the sadness in my heart of losing that which I treasured most weighs heavily, while the very knowledge of its absence is the cruel reminder to embrace this new reality. Some days I feel closer to accepting this truth but others, I find I still resist it bitterly.
Letting someone go whom you truly loved while torturing yourself over every mistake you ever made certainly takes its sweet time. Within that though, I have come to realize that imperfections and shortcomings are not my own exclusive personal torment. Accepting that there were things beyond my control is necessary but challenging.
What I seek now is acceptance for that which has been lost — for that which cannot be controlled. I strive to find forgiveness — mostly for myself but also for those who I’ve perceived have played too lightly with my heart. Despite how incredibly difficult it has become, my heart assures me that peace, forgiveness, and acceptance wait patiently for me arrive.
Gratitude in the face of adversity
While I may never have willingly chosen to endure all that I have in these past few years, there is a shining truth and realization I cannot deny, but rather, choose to embrace.
I was such a broken human when I found love. I never expected it. I wasn’t anticipating it but when it arrived, I latched onto it for dear life. Like a drowning man sinking both himself and his savior upon rescue, so too did I quickly sink the love that had reached out to me.
Throughout a beautifully magical and torturous and tormenting love, I endured many bizarre wonders. It was if I had been whisked away to some fantastical land of all-consuming emotion that would alternate in both blissful joy and crippling anxiety.
It’s funny how the moments of bliss are enough to keep us, even when the bad times are entirely debilitating. But I suppose this is often the nature of passion.
Despite everything — the pain and heartache along with the regret and turmoil — I find myself with a particular gratitude these days.
Although I miss my love tremendously and the void within my heart stretches across my very being, blossoming from the scorched earth is the buds of gratitude, new life, and regrowth.
I never could’ve handled the loss I’ve experienced in these recent days as the person I was before. Additionally, it was the countless mistakes I made during the many seasons of my romance that forced me to look more reflectively at the person who was starring back at me in the mirror.
I was forced to challenge the beliefs I had about myself for a lifetime and truly inquire if they were true. It was love that inspired me to be better and do better. It was love that propelled me to therapy, to deeper self-reflection, to challenging my demons that tormented not just me, but those that would become close to me. Love inspired me to fight for a better future and to grow into the person I’ve always wanted to be. It gave me the insight and resolve I needed to finally push through years of adolescent baggage and carve out new life in adulthood that I thought was unattainable.
So while I have lost greatly and continue to suffer in my own unique ways each day, this suffering exists side-by-side to regrowth, hope, gratitude, and positive change. My heart remains sad but as I continue to travel towards acceptance, forgiveness, and ultimately unconditional and non-possessive love, I feel the gratitude of all this brimming within me.
My heart aches for what once was but also, now, in these days, I feel more equipped, prepared, and capable than I ever have in my entire life. I have longed for so many years to have reached this point. I just never would’ve thought it would be such devasting loss that would propel me into the person I’ve always wanted and needed to be.
So thank you for everything. I will do better. I will be better because of you — because of love.
Now, alone as always but at peace, I gather my things, pick myself up, and prepare to embark on this new chapter. There’s some hidden joy in moving forward. I feel like many good things are coming this year.