Relationships Heartbreak Longing Romance

A Dream Where You Had Never Left

January 30, 2020
a dream where you had never left

At a time of my life when I’ve been dreaming (or at least remember my dreams), less frequently than ever before (special thanks to the herbal medicine I consume), I vividly dreamt of you last night. Upon awakening, the memory and feeling—right down to the sensation of your touch, was still stimulating my every being.

I was holding you close—protectively I can remember. It was an embrace of love and guardianship but also of passion and ecstasy. Gentle moans and sighs escaped your lips as I held you tightly. I could feel our entwined energies pulse with passion and life. It was truly beautiful and I awoke to feel both fullness and a longing within my heart.

Interaction after months apart

It probably has something to do with the fact that we recently met up for a brief encounter to take care of responsibilities. I intentionally suppressed my emotion—convinced myself even that I had none to hide. Yet it seems the effect you have on me persists. No matter how strong I have become, you linger with me in the days that follow—long after your departure I still feel the deeprooted love grounded in the thick emotion of my heart.

My mind has repeated indefinitely, the resounding words that left your lips to reach my ears all those months ago. The words of truth and heartbreak. The matter-of-fact expression that coupled with them as you gazed at me with no doubt in your eyes and softly spoke; we were without a future. I never thought such softness could pierce with such ferocity. I felt a deep wound within me as I nodded my head in understanding.

It is those words I have digested again and again. It is the reality I face and the current truth I must accept. With continued time, distance, and ultimately, separation, I find such a concept progressively easier to manage. Then, in but a single moment, my heart warms again and the love I thought had escaped me reveals itself from within the shadows of my being. It had not left but rather, retreated where it could not be discovered. How clever of my heart. I could’ve never have expected such a thing.

Searching within my solitude

As I continue to grow and flourish in this new inner landscape that I have been cultivating with the seeds of regrowth, my pondering resumes as I weigh out all that has been and compare it against what I hope for in the future.

While I have accepted what I must and no longer resist the changing currents of life, I find myself with a unique sadness as I imagine a future without you as we once were. Another cruel testament to my bitter acknowledgement of life’s merciless and relentless metamorphosis. With everything in it’s infinite and evolving state of change, I should’ve known better than to think, even for a second, that things would remain the same. 

Preparing to return home

As I collect myself and my possessions in anticipation of returning to the only home I have known (aside from the home my heart made for my beloved), a mix of vast emotion stirs within me. Here now, I will return having accomplished what I set out to do, which was to come back a better man than when I left. 

And I am.

I am proud to have been true to myself and my goals in this way, where I had challenged myself and rose to meet it. Despite adversity, loss, grief, and all the demons within me who long only for my demise—I have finally, after a lifetime, shed the dead parts of me to make room for regrowth and new life.

But it came at an extraordinary cost: I had to lose you in order to gain this new life.

I have yet to decide if it was worth it. In many ways, it matters not as there is nothing I can do to alter things regardless. There is no power strong enough. No method to be devised. It is done. It is finished and I work to swallow such words each and every day. 

While my heart is joyful at the thought of returning home—it was supposed to return home with you. So this emptiness and sense of loss are omnipresent everywhere I go and in everything I do. I am returning home a better man but also as a man who has lost everything before this moment. I return home new to a blank canvas to start again. 

This time, my heart and soul seek to paint a different picture.

But it will still draw its deep colour from the passions of memory—from my heart of hearts, and the special resting place I have made for the love that we once shared.