on
February 23, 2006

no I am not well.
I can’t keep pretending.
there is no hope, I know that now.
it plays with my mind, you know, just letting it go.
but I dont have the courage to do it.
I swore I’d never to do it.
but I’m wearing thin.

the mask is fading, and I cant repair it.
It really is, an empty existance.
I cannot lead.
how can I help, if I can’t even help myself.
I crave relief.
I miss what I had before.

time is taking it’s toll, the effects are unbearable.
there is no one, I have no one.
everyday, a waste of everything.
where is God? I speak and there is no answer.
I read and the words are empty.
I reach out, and there is nothing there?
no, there is no hope.
I am abandoned.
my head is filled with questions.
and there are no answers.

I am not what I was.
I am destroyed.
I am empty, and cannot be filled.
I am weak, there is no strength.
what you see is nothing.
I am below the surface.
I am hiding, I am lying.
there is no meaning.
so why am I still here?

you’ll never know, you can’t know.
I despise pity.
but I need help.
if I continue in this way.
I will end.
if there is purpose, then I feel none.

change affects us all.
it has brought me here.
to a place where I never though I’d be.
it seems beautiful.
a place without pain, suffering, emptiness
a place I shouldn’t go.

I am in the past, I cannot get out.
the present kills me.
and the future hates me.
everything is gone, it wont come back.

I can’t cry.
I wish I could.
It would probably make me feel better.
I’ve got to be strong.
but I have no strength.
I have to lead.
but I am not fit.

I cant contain it any longer.
I can’t hide it anymore.
there is no relief there is no help.
there is only here and now.
there is no one there.
I am alone, soon to be forgotten.
empty and senseless.
broken beyond rapair.
emotionless and blank.
there is no fufillment.

I dream about it,
for something more.
I tell myself tomorrow will be better.
but it never is.

my mind is restless.
my body aches.
where is love? where is happiness?
I forgot what they feel like.
I’ve forgotten everything.
there is no peace.
there is only chaos.
there is nothing.

please.
don’t tell anyone.
I am not well.

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