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October 9, 2006

and it begins again. a feeling I thought I had buried with time. I should’ve known if you bury something alive, it will come back to haunt you. it is unresolved and unforgiving. the stupid choices I have made only continue to lead to my demise and add on to a pain so great, it overwhelms my entire being. I cannot be niave and own arrogance makes me realize, I’m not who I thought I was.


the nights are once again restless as I struggle to calm my mind and give my exhausted body the rest it needs. my mind wont let me sleep. it causes me to twist and turn in my bed watching time slowly fade as the dawn breaks before I have closed my eyes.


I cannot go through this another time. I thought it had been overcome, I thought it had been defeated. God feels so distant, I call to him but I feel no response. alone, wandering the cold night in search of healing, something to break this curse that has been bestowed upon me.


It is back. this feeling that remains in my soul like a parasite, polluting my mind and poisoning my every breath. this is only the beginning, it will get worse…and there is nothing I can do to stop it.


I can still remember how close I became, to being finished, to calling it the end. the thought plays with my mind. I tell it to leave, but it only laughs. would it be better to throw in the towel, to put an end to a constant suffering? what’s the point of continuing on, if every day feels like a losing battle? would it matter to the world? would anyone care? I try to push on, going strong and fighting for everything I have, but it feels futile.


music is my enemy. resurrecting feelings from a life that no longer exists. such an overwhelming sensation, that no narcotic can relieve. I am a slave to my lender, debts that only add to the growing list of factors in this worthlessness that I call my life.


no one can understand, no one can grasp the horror. they mean well, they try to help but they do not know. I am broken…can I be fixed? they say God is the healer, yet my wounds remain open. with every passing day I continue to decay as I wait for a satisfaction that I will never find.


peace is all I ask for. anything that will give me hope. no sleep will bring a high, but I’ll come down and realize, that my true enemy is the complexity of myself. I grow a tangled web of thoughts in my head, filling me with unorganized disfunction. without relief I am nothing. unless I can stop this from happening again…I will become nothing.


 

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