I haven’t felt this way in what feels like a lifetime. But I can still remember the strength these sensations carry.
It’s nice to be distracted from the bullshit in my head. Haven’t thought about my own emotional struggles for awhile now. Haven’t had the time or really even the room in my head or in my heart to indulge them. It’s just been this one predominant super feeling that’s been overpowering all the others. When it’s good, its incredible. My life has improved so much as a result. I’ve actually begun to taste happiness. I didn’t think it was possible. The most amazing thing is I can still feel and see those blue skies and the green grass I imagined when I closed my eyes and envisioned my future. I can still see that but now she’s there. It’s as if our two paths are aligned and perhaps now merging into one.
The joy of love is such a gift. It is so powerful and also consuming. I find it hard to rationalize properly when I feel this way. Love is blinding. It takes the predominant focus on your thoughts and feelings. It is such a unique and treasured feeling. It’s hard not to let it fill every cell in your body and become immersed in it. I think that’s what scares me the most – how powerful this feeling can be. It makes you wonder what you’d do to preserve it and what you’d do if you lost it.
Then comes the dark side to falling in love. The fear of losing it. The moment you do, it’s back to the overwhelming struggles you thought you conquered but didn’t actually. You just got distracted by falling in love. Then it all comes back like a bag of bricks, smacking you across the head as you stagger shocked, dazed and confused. The soul-crushing loneliness now returns ten-fold. The emptiness and sense of isolation now stronger than ever. Every ray of sunshine now replaced with the dreary, unforgiving grey storm clouds. The crippling sadness to lose something that was so important to you. All you do is lay there broken in your bed as every conversation, every promise, every kiss and every secret replay in loops until it’s madness in your head. Then you wish you had never met the person and the sadness morphs into bitterness and anger. Then as you try to pick up the pieces over time and move on with your life you become the outcast of your peers because of your misery and there’s no one left who wants to take a chance on you.
That’s where my head goes. I don’t like thinking that way or feeling that way. I’m trying to just enjoy everything for what it is. Trying not to worry about what’s going to happen. Not thinking about all the possible outcomes down the road. It’s hard though sometimes. Life teaches you to guard your heart because it is truly so fragile. Part of me wants to make a preemptive move so I don’t have to potentially deal with the unideal possible outcome but by doing that, I’d be creating the unideal outcome myself. Then I’d really only have myself to blame and I couldn’t live with that.
I want to believe that this is something. I want to see those blue skies with you. I want to feel this on every level. I’m sorry I’m scared. I’m trying not to be. Just promise you’ll tell me if you don’t feel the same.